What The Fuck Did I Do Last Night?

"You were in a bar fight with... three dwarves. And you won but take 1d6 damage, and now you can't go back to that bar."

"Ok. Do I still get the experience?"

BORING

And perhaps a little contrived, but whatever, my point still stands. A bar fight? How do you know? Black-out drunk, wake up with bruises on your face and shin, a fistful of someone else's hair in your mouth, and the other guy is in the cell over trying to pick your pocket through the bars.

Now that's what I call Carousing. Sure, if you narrate it well it can be interesting. But players and DM-alike get all the information at once, and there's an easy temptation for it to just... slide away. Excellent and impactful Carousing mishaps should be something you can't just ignore. Here's my take: until you know exactly what happened, is it safe to ignore it? Sure, it might've just been a bar-fight... but who with? Where? What happened? Enter, stage left - What the Fuck Did I Do Last Night?

Rather than dictating exactly what happened, the results are both concrete and freeform. You may never know exactly what happened, but you're very unlikely to get out of it scot-free! Roll each of the following questions in order, but only when the character has a moment to take stock of the situation. Assuming you failed a Constitution roll to end up in this situation, make a note of the value. Some of entries have two options (odds is left, evens right)

Where am I?

1. In a gutter
2. A closet
3. On someone else's floor
4. In the lockup
5. Still at the bar
6. Rolled up in a rug
7. In a sewer
8. A gibbet / the stocks
9. In the dark
10. In a wizards tower
11. In a nice bed
12. In a palatial suite
13. Falling down a large hole
14. The top of a building
15. The cupboards of a busy tavern
16. In a sack, carried
17. A wagon of vegetables heading out of town
18. The middle of the street
19. On a stage, about to give a speech
20. An operating theatre

What am I wearing?

1. No pants
2. One shoe, not yours
3. Socks bearing strange formulae
4. A suspiciously damp shirt
5. A beard
6. Painful bruises everywhere
7. Lash marks
8. A helmet, horns optional
9. Blood, probably not yours
10. Wizard hat, nothing else
11. The tanned hide of a bear
12. A crown
13. A sword in an ill-fitting sheathe
14. 1d20 copper coins in odd and uncomfortable places. Very uncomfortable, in some cases
15. Dapper suit
16. Peanut butter
17. Children's clothes
18. Ballet slippers
19. Mascot costume
20. Toga

Who am I with?

1. Two clowns
2. A gorilla / a sleeping tiger
3. A pile of spiders / a snake
4. An attractive woman/man
5. Your lawyer
6. Someone's wife/husband
7. A rival adventurer
8. A mercenary/bandit (hard to tell)
9. Four dwarves in various states of inebriation
10. A half-elf with a frightening mohawk
11. A notably rich merchant
12. An heir/ess with a contagious disease
13. A different party member
14. A talking skull/book
15. A hidden voice
16. Three slaves, chains broken
17. An apprentice wizard, in the middle of casting a spell
18. An inebriated paladin
19. Someone who looks suspiciously like you
20. Nobody. You can’t find anyone at all…

To demonstrate, I kludged this out of my list to HTML translator. However, for maximum enjoyment I would recommend that the DM roll on the d20 table only when the player actually asks the question. Embrace contradictions wholeheartedly and with enthusiasm.